empathy

Three forms of empathy

According to psychologists Daniel Goleman and Paul Ekman empathy manifests in three distinct forms: cognitive, emotional, and compassionate.

1.     Cognitive empathy is our ability to understand other people’s points of view.
2.     Emotional empathy is our ability to respond physically and emotionally to what someone else is experiencing.
3.     Compassionate empathy is what creates the bond between team members within an organisation as well as between companies and countries.

I think you can place concentration as the root of empathy, and the importance of the latter in solving individual, personal and general social challenges.

What's happening?

As human beings we have two insatiable needs:

1) A desire to feel significant, and
2) The yearning to be truly understood

One of the psychological shortcuts that I use from years of experience is my trustworthiness is in equal parts empathy and expertise, conveying a message that says, “I understand you and I know what I’m talking about.” I know that it’s impossible to fully understand someone else’s experience nor can I emphasise their importance enough. People want to know that you get them or at least you are trying to get them, and if you are attempting to make the effort to step into their shoes then people will give you grace.


I think our natural disposition as human beings is self-centred, we are all wired to focus on our own needs and desires. However, the most effective way to craft meaningful communication is to change our perspective towards empathy for others. As when we are thinking about others, we are not getting that dopamine rush of self-importance and significance. Therefore, the choice of words we employ is a tangible reflection of our understanding, and when we demonstrate that we "get" someone, or that we're sincerely trying to, we begin to unlock the doors of trust. And in doing so, we signal to others that we respect and value their viewpoint, ultimately forging deeper and more meaningful connections. Contact me via e-mail for 1:1 sparring and coaching sessions.

Silent anticipation

Being both empathetic and strategic in your approach to communication is akin to playing a game of chess where you're thinking several moves ahead. It involves considering not only where you want to ultimately arrive in the conversation but also what specific outcomes you aim to achieve. I think the person asking the questions is the person in charge of the conversation, as by guiding the dialogue through thoughtful inquiries, you can influence the direction of the discussion and ensure it aligns with your objectives. Just as a chess player anticipates their opponent's moves, a skilled communicator anticipates the responses and reactions of the person they're engaging with. In addition to asking the right questions, it's crucial to recognise that clients often convey their thoughts and feelings through storytelling, and as a result, effective listening becomes a critical skill. This entails not only hearing the words being spoken but also paying close attention to emotional cues and non-verbal communication, for example, observing body language cues, such as leaning forward in interest or using expressive hand gestures, can provide valuable insights into the client's engagement level and emotions.

Clarify the purpose

Image c/o Indi Young’s book “Practical Empathy”

I was born with practical empathy, the ability to see people for who they are and what they really want. I’m always trying to understand:

•           Why are things the way they are?


•           What are people looking for?


•           Why is this layout the way it is?


•           If it is not working on me, why is it working on other people?

Allow yourself

I think that being empathetic towards someone doesn't necessarily mean that you agree with them. And intelligence is the ability to change your mind when presented with accurate information that contradicts your beliefs.

““People will forgive you for being wrong, but they will never forgive you for being right - especially if events prove you right while proving them wrong.””
— Burrellism

Change into something that elevates you

c/o Getty Images

Why can’t we be seen until we learn to see?
I think to see means that you have empathy, it means to realise that no one cares about you and your opinion, they care about themselves and their own opinion. If you can’t see them for who they are and for where their fears, desires, and dreams, they will ignore you because they only want to hang out with people who can see them. Being seen is an unlimited need that people you serve have and if you can see them and understand them, you can tell them a story that they want to hear and they are more likely to engage with you. Remember that you cannot be empathic to everyone, you cannot see and understand everyone, so pick who you are going to see and understand and do that.

“Believe in yourself! Have faith in your abilities! Without a humble but reasonable confidence in your own powers you cannot be successful or happy.”
— Norman Vincent Peale

How well do you do it?

What impact does having empathy have on sales?
I think that when you have empathy you know what your clients and your team are thinking, and if you know what they are thinking and feeling, you will have better information about what they care about both logically and emotionally. When you know what motivates your clients and team, you will know what to show them and what questions to ask them. To have that type of empathy, you must listen deeply and not think about what you are going to say whilst listening. Stay curious about your clients and what obstacles they are facing, simply ask yourself, “If I was them, what would I care about?” Contact me via e-mail when you are ready for a flexible process for your team. A framework which provides guidelines for where they are and where they want to go.

Understand the source

In my experience, most projects that start don’t succeed. Why is that? I think it’s a combination of two things: Empathy, meaning you are building it for yourself and not your audience, and secondly, the persistence and resources to get through the dip - meaning when you hit the hard part when everyone stumbles. The questions you will ask yourself are: Do you have a committed team? Do you have the money in the bank? Do you have the time? This is the moment of truth and what separates the things that get finished and work from the things that get abandoned.

“In a crowded marketplace, fitting in is a failure. In a busy marketplace, not standing out is the same as being invisible.
”
— Seth Godin
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The outsider’s perspective

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I think that before you begin to communicate with anyone you have to know who you are communicating with and what’s important to them - always start with the other person in mind. As it’s the season of goodwill, here’s a few questions to consider in terms of communication:

-       Who is this for?
-       What’s in it for them?
-       How much do you know about them?
-       Can you meet them where they are?

Being an effective communicator is an invaluable leadership skill that goes far beyond having an even temper or providing concise directives. It relies on a thoughtful combination of empathy, accessibility, approachability and a genuine level of care and compassion for your team. Take your team on a short journey and land them in a better place than where they started. In essence, a strong communicator is a conscious communicator, and a conscious communicator is well on their way to becoming an incredible leader.

Inner, outer and other

Every leader today needs a strong ethical rudder and I think inner focus is essential. This inner sense is an ethical rudder and answers the questions  - Is what I am about to do in keeping with my sense of meaning, values, right and ethics? This is not a question we answer in words, we answer it first with what feels right and what doesn’t feel right, then we put it into words.

 

Then there’s other focus, which is being able to read people, being able to tune into a person. There are three kinds of empathy:
1) Cognitive Empathy means I understand how you think about things, your mental model of how you see the world. This means I’m able to communicate with you in terms you really understand and resonate with. Leaders and managers who can talk to other people with good cognitive empathy are able to get better than expected performance from their people because they will know what really matters.
2) Emotional Empathy is an immediate felt sense of what’s going on in the other person and this is also absolutely essential. If you only have cognitive empathy and you don’t have emotional empathy, then you’ll miss the mark.
3) Empathic Concern is the third kind of focus in other words empathic empathy is outer focus. Not only do I know how you think and feel but if there’s something you need and I can help, my DNA means I am predisposed to help.

 

The leaders and managers who have the most loyal employees in their team, have all three kinds of empathy. Contact me via e-mail for workshops on empathy.

Understand before being understood

Emotional-thermostat.jpg

You filter everything you hear through your life experiences, your frame of reference. Everyone has different emotional thermostats and perhaps they have been set by how they were raised and developed by the traumas they may or may not have. I’ve learned how to tap dance around all the mental traps that most people who look like me tend to fall for. I have this wonderful ability to get moved by other people, some of whom I have never even met. I guess this is because I just the beauty in things. I have been training for years and years to develop practical empathy as people don’t know what I know and I don’t know what they know. And I am really comfortable with that - it’s all OK.


I don’t think that we change the whole world but if we try understand it, we will at least decode it and figure out a way to make it better for ourselves. If we can ask the below generic questions enough times, then this will help us change our perspectives and help us to evaluate where we stand:

  • What do you know? 

  • What do you need?

  • What happened to you that led you to believe that in this moment you are being reasonable?