There is a difference between emotional invalidation and gaslighting. Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation where someone intentionally causes another person to doubt their feelings, memories, or perception of reality. The goal is often to control or undermine the other person. For example, a gaslighter might say, “You’re imagining things” or “You’re too sensitive” to dismiss valid concerns. In contrast, emotional invalidation happens when someone dismisses or minimises your feelings, often shifting the focus away from your concerns. While this behaviour can be hurtful or defensive, it isn’t necessarily gaslighting unless there’s a pattern of making you question the legitimacy of your emotions or reality.
Trust your instinct
I help individuals develop a success-oriented mindset. I think by trusting your instincts and leveraging the power of storytelling, you can highlight the unique story that sets your business apart. Focus on solving meaningful problems as this is the foundation of true impact. Remember, understanding the difference between being right and achieving success is key to long-term growth.
“We don’t build trust by offering help, we build trust by asking for it.”
Tell your story
What have you changed your mind about over the last 12 months?
We often celebrate people who stick to their beliefs and are eventually proven right, for example, leaders who resist pressure to change their approach and succeed. And I think it's easy to feel validated when that happens, however, I've been wrong om many occasions in different situations, and it’s been a humbling experience. Over the last year, I become disillusioned with humanity, particularly when I think about how people behave when they believe no one is watching. It’s unsettling to imagine the choices people make when they feel they can act without consequence. I have found myself wondering, when given the option, will people choose justice? My perspective has changed and I’m no longer as cynical as I used to be. I’ve become more hopeful, hopeful that when good people come together and work with other good people, they can truly make a difference and create positive change.
Word salad
I think faith and doubt are both beliefs. Most people think faith is belief and doubt are the absence of belief. Faith is the belief of the outcome I desire, and doubt is the belief of the outcome I don’t desire. When I have more belief in the outcome, I don’t desire than in the outcome I do desire, I have doubt, and I don’t have faith. And both of them are a belief.
Minimise misunderstandings
c/o LinkedIn
I strongly believe in the importance of structure, as it is an incredibly powerful tool for all forms of communication, especially when answering a spontaneous question or speaking impromptu. When engaging in off-the-cuff communication, you face two fundamental tasks: deciding what to say and how to say it. I think structure provides you with the "how to say it" part, by offering a step-by-step recipe for effective delivery. For example, if you are asked to describe your company's mission on the spot, you can use a simple structure: start with a brief overview of the mission, explain why it matters, and conclude with an example of how it is being implemented. This approach ensures your response is clear, concise, and impactful.
““The quieter you become, the more you hear.””
Turn down the volume
When I was a child, I used to play a lot of Scrabble, so I realised that both “listen” and “silent” have the same letters. As an adult, I understand that to be a good listener we need to first learn how to be silent. Often in conversations, we listen to respond rather than to understand. When we do this, we shut off our brains because we are focused on what we will say next. Instead, I think we should listen to learn and understand. When listening to someone, your next sentence should be a question that shows you are trying to understand. This approach will help you provide better guidance and advice as a mentor and leader.
You'll never know
I think that the two most powerful tools that we possess as humans to combat discrimination, bias, and prejudice are the capacity for deep communication and empathy. While no two persons are the same, and we will never know what it is like to live their lives, we can get closer through empathy. Empathy allows us to walk in another person's shoes, empowering us to see beyond our own biases and adopt different perspectives. This is an important attribute for marketers, as market segments may interpret data differently than we do. It is important to be conscious and sensitive to intersections and foster diversity and inclusion with the choices we make and for the consumer.
““You have to wear the shoes to know where it hurts.””
Encoding and decoding
The art of reading people requires a keen observation of their behaviour, body language, verbal cues, and emotional expressions, all in pursuit of unraveling their inner thoughts, feelings, and intentions. The greatest advantage to possessing the skill of reading people is that it immensely improves our ability to communicate with them. I think by attuning ourselves to the subtle nuances of human interaction, we gain invaluable insights into the perspectives and motives of those around us. It’s a powerful social dynamic and a useful way to facilitate meaningful and harmonious relationships.
You have to choose
I am always trying to understand:
What are people looking for?
Why are things the way they are?
Why is the layout the way it is?
If it is not working on me, why is it working on other people?
What kind of world view would make this communication effective?
““If you are free, you need to free somebody else. If you have some power, then your job is to empower somebody else.””
Change is on its way
Communication comes in both words and deeds, so clear procedures, goals, methods, and deadlines are required. In successful transformations, leaders actively look for ways to obtain clear performance improvements, establish goals in an annual planning system, achieve these objectives, and reward the people involved with recognition, promotions, or financial incentives. Nothing undermines the communication of a change vision more than the behaviour on the part of key players that seems inconsistent with the vision. I think attitude training is just as important as skills training as guilt, political considerations and concerns over short-term results stop people from having honest discussions. It’s not possible to change habits built up over years and in some cases decades after only one workshop.
Contact me via e-mail to book an appointment.
““Language isn’t just a means of communication, it’s a reservoir of memory, tradition, and heritage.” ”
How to influence perception?
Positioning plays a crucial role in defining how a product stands out in the market by delivering specific value to a well-defined group of customers. I think it's essentially about creating a distinct place in the consumer's mind where they perceive the product as uniquely addressing their needs or desires. Starting a conversation with a customer by discussing product positioning is strategic because it sets the stage for understanding the product's relevance and differentiation. By shaping the consumer's perception and expectations, product positioning provides context that answers fundamental questions:
– What is the product?
– What does it offer?
– And why should the customer care?
This context is essential for customers to grasp the value proposition and make informed decisions about whether the product aligns with their needs and preferences.
Emotional feedback
c/o Vector stock photos
Are you familiar with the S.T.O.P technique?
Yes, it’s a communication and conflict resolution method that can be used to address difficult situations or conflicts effectively. I think by practicing the S.T.O.P technique effectively one can resolve of conflicts quickly and improve communication. Here's a breakdown of each step:
• State the behaviour:
Start by objectively stating the specific behaviour or action that is causing an issue. I think this helps to keep the conversation focused on the problem at hand without making assumptions or accusations.
• Tell the person how you feel:
Express your emotions about the behaviour in a non-confrontational way. Use "I" statements to convey your feelings without placing blame on the other person. I think this step helps to promote understanding and empathy.
• Options:
Brainstorm potential solutions or alternatives to the problem together. Encourage open communication and collaboration to find a resolution that satisfies both parties.
• Positive results:
Discuss the potential positive outcomes that could result from implementing the chosen solution. I think this step helps to reinforce the benefits of resolving the conflict and motivates both parties to work towards a resolution.
Rules of engagement
The Chatham House Rule is employed globally to promote inclusive and open dialogue in meetings. It's important to note that meetings don't necessarily need to occur at Chatham House or be organised by Chatham House to be conducted under this rule. Any group of individuals in any sector can adopt the Chatham House Rule as a pre-agreed guide for running an event, particularly when discussing sensitive issues. When implemented effectively, the Chatham House Rule facilitates collaboration, breaks down barriers, fosters idea generation, and facilitates agreement on solutions. The Rule reads as follows:
““When a meeting, or part thereof, is held under the Chatham House Rule, participants are free to use the information received, but neither the identity nor the affiliation of the speaker(s), nor that of any other participant, may be revealed.””
Managing for the future
If you are a manager or leader at any position in an organisation, here is what Mr. Drucker would want you to practice:
Do what you say and say what you do. When you are a leader, people carefully observe you. People try to derive some meaning from every small gesture of a leader. Make sure that your gestures enable people to derive a positive meaning. Keep your promises and be as authentic as you can.
When you are a leader, you are here to ‘serve’ your people. You serve your people and enable them when ‘leadership’ springs from your heart. But when it gets into your head, that is where problem starts!
Leadership is all about performance. You, as a leader, have to build an integrated team and empower them to deliver great results. Leadership is a means to an end. We don’t lead because we want to, or because of our charisma or because of (a romantic idea of) power that comes with leadership. We lead because we seek results.
An ambiguous leader leads an ambiguous team. Clarity in thoughts, words and actions is one of the most important aspect of leading others. When you lead, people depend on you to give directions to them. If your directions are ambiguous, you will easily mislead them. Clear directions are the ones which clarifies expected outcomes, expected behaviors and establishes priorities, standards. Clarity also means that all decisions/directions are aligned with organization’s mission and values.
Most of what Peter Drucker mentioned in his book, “Managing for the Future” is more of common sense (at least from today’s perspective), and I think practicing them consistently is difficult. Have a fantastic Friday and a happy weekend!
Make more money
The ability to think silently is a powerful tool, allowing us to process ideas internally without verbalising them. On the other hand, when it comes to expressing those thoughts, words become essential. I think communication acts as the bridge between ideas and their manifestation, serving as the cornerstone for the highest levels of value creation. And in my experience, the best communicators with the best ideas are often the ones who achieve the greatest financial success.
Make them feel comfortable
Sales involves both a systematic process and interpersonal skills, and effective salesmanship hinges on the art of listening and forming connections with people. The systematic approach entails initial connection, followed by an approach and conversation where you uncover insights about the individual. Understanding this process sets the stage for honing the necessary skills, and I think mastering the art of asking the right questions is pivotal, and this means knowing what to ask and what to avoid. Instead of focusing on oneself, it's crucial to frame questions that encourage individuals to share about themselves, as everyone loves to speak about their own experiences and perspectives.
Find your passion
I think it’s all about connecting your passion with something that’s bigger than yourself. It’s important to figure out what that mission is for you, and for me I do it through storytelling. Storytelling is the oldest and most valuable way we have of passing on our values, echoing from ancient campfires to Homer's narratives in the Odyssey. I really think there is a role in society for storytellers who try and make us better, and as an entrepreneur, I've wholeheartedly embraced this path by mixing my love for coaching to enhance people's lives.
““When we work hard for something we don’t believe in, it’s called stress. When we work hard for something we love, it’s called passion.” ”
Next meeting or more discovery
Communication thrives on stories, and questions are the conduits shaping its course. I strategically ask questions that elicit conversation, aiming to activate their self-disclosure loop. I prioritise actively listening and offering undivided attention to incentivise my clients to share, making them feel valued, and this rapport often leads them to unveil their narrative. In my experience, once they hit the 'too much information' zone, it's simply a matter of leaning back and letting them guide the discussion toward everything necessary to seal the deal. Whether it's about planning the next step, scheduling another meeting, or diving deeper into discovery, I adapt to their language and seamlessly prompt for it.
Following a conversation
In conversations, prioritising active listening stands out as immensely valuable and I think that being mindful of how we listen is crucial. For example, while engaging in dialogue, there might be moments where what's communicated doesn't align. In such instances, a constructive approach involves acknowledging these discrepancies gently: 'Earlier, you mentioned this, but now you're saying something different.' The focus remains on active listening, enabling one to trace conversations over an extended period—observing the apparent disparities and contradictions without accusation. It's not about asserting moral superiority; instead, it's about assisting in framing the situation coherently, highlighting inconsistencies for a clearer understanding.
Communication is the key
If you can control perception, then you can control behaviour. If you can dominate the narrative so people are only hearing one side of the story or one version of the story then you are going to dictate the perceptions of vast numbers of people, especially if they haven’t had any other angle to consider. This is so easy when you are addressing a population who do not question anything:
Q: How do you know that?
A: I saw it on the news
Q: How did they know that?
““In times of change the learners will inherit the world, while the knowers will be beautifully equipped for a world that no longer exists.” ”